Charles Schumer has inspired a new safety cause by recklessly careening his bike into a lobbyist’s car. The new “Safe Biking” Coalition, lead by the Citizens Committee for the Right to Keep and Bear Arms (CCRKBA), will attempt to stem the flood of careless and unthinking abuse of bikes and the injuries and deaths associated with these wheels of death.

“We cannot allow the unregulated use of bicycles to continue their rampage in our large cities,” warned Alan Gottlieb, CCRKBA Chairman. “There is no waiting period, training provision, or registration requirements for bicycle ownership. The time for common-sense bike control is long overdue.”

The agenda is clearly not anti-biking, but merely a safety-oriented, common sense approach to one of the key areas of injury and death in this great country. While a lawsuit against the bike makers is being developed to stop the flooding of the markets with cycles, among the many legislative first-steps toward total bike control are as follows:

Waiting Period & Background Check: So many bike accidents could be prevented if there was a proper cooling-off period between purchase and acquisition of these dangerous products. Maybe if there was a waiting period, Charles Schumer may have decided that a bus or walking would have been less risky to all around him. Eventually, more and more disqualifiers would added to prevent bike ownership and the waiting period would be increased incrementally to an ever longer time-period.

Safety Locks: To prevent theft and abuse, all bikes should be required to be locked up with felony penalties for violations. Home invasions to check compliance could be conducted at random or on an anonymous tip from a hostile, unreliable neighbor or enemy. Perhaps if Sen. Schumer had a safety-lock on his bike when he “needed” it, he would have forgot the combination and not been able to ride it, therefore preventing another needless injury.

Licensing: This common-sense provision is merely designed to mark who, in fact, feels that they need a bike for civilian purposes. License issuing should be discretionary, with no standards to met, in order to prevent licensing to just anyone who wants a dangerous product like a bike. Yearly bicycle training to the level of police is a must.

Registration: Registration will help locate the bike-nuts who feel compelled to have more than one bike. Licensing and Registration are required in order to discourage the bike culture and reduce the urge to own these hideous things.

Assault Bike Ban: These bikes are the cycles of choice of the reckless and irresponsible. We have no proof to this claim, but it sounds scary. Besides, who needs the wide-capacity wheels and hardened steel frames that can cause excessive damage to automobiles, pedestrians and bike owners alike.

Junk Bike Ban: These bikes are cheap and easily accessible to the lower income people and minorities and therefore have no legitimate civilian purposes. Bikes should be left to the military and police anyways. The definitions of Assault Bikes and Junk Bikes will continue to expand towards each other for the safety of the children.

“We hope that Sen. Schumer’s injuries have knocked some sense into him and that he will adopt our safety agenda,” said Gottlieb with tongue firmly in cheek. “It would make about as much sense as his gun control agenda.”